Escaping the Onus of Unworthiness

© 2001 Michele Toomey, PhD


August 7, 2001

No one wants to be in a position of constant need The one down position of being the one who receives and then is left to feel constantly grateful. Far better to be the giver, the one who has something to give that another wants, values and needs. The giver is in the one up position, wanted, valued and needed. And yet, integrity asks us to shine a different light on this exchange of giving and receiving. It dictates that we look at the equalizing dynamic of this interaction. Give and take need each other, or there's no movement. Further, where to put the emphasis and what to focus our attention on is an essential dilemma.

One up and one down speak of superiority and inferiority, a hierarchy of worth. Good grief, do we want to be caught in that judgmental cycle that loses sight of essence and loses track of loving care? It is complicated when constant is added to the condition. There is a fatigue and weariness that enters the equation. Instead of an occasional helping hand, there is a constant need.

A need to be re-grounded,
a need to be re-assured,
a need to be protected,
a need to be endured.

A need to be listened to,
a need to be heard,
a need to be concerned about,
a need to be cured.

A need to be embraced,
a need to be consoled,
a need to be reminded,
a need to be told.

A need to be found worthy,
a need to be desired,
a need to be still lovable,
a need to be inspired.

In return, you respond and valiantly go on. Re-grounded, re-grouped and re-charged, you gratefully absorb each and every effort sent your way. Never taking even the smallest gesture for granted, never rejecting any overture or gift, you maximize and internalize everything you receive. You value the preciousness of the offer and you squeeze tightly the helping hand. Your eyes speak volumes and your voice resonates with gratitude and affection. We join in give and take respectfully and lovingly given and received. We sigh together as we wearily trudge on and we laugh together as we willingly look for levity and joy. We re-charge each other in this give and take. We are not unequal, we are equally involved.

We are in this together. Neither role is easy but yours is by far the least desired. You suffer from it, we support your efforts. You are caught in brain damage, we are caught, too, but we can escape. You cannot. You must depend on others and you are dependent on our good will and reliability. That is a source of insecurity. What if we tire of it, of you? What if we abandon you? What if you are not worthy enough, not desirable enough, not good enough? There is that fear.

Of course there is. Yours is a scary spot of more dependence than you'd ever, ever want, but, let us hearken back to integrity. You will never lose yourself, your dedicated spirit, your mentality of hard work and commitment to integrity, your philosophy of life and your immersion in liberation psychology. You are deserving of your utmost respect. You may not be able to trust your brain, but you can trust yourself. And, again, the equalizer, you can trust us to stay the course. We are also worthy of your trust. We are in this together. We value and trust you and you value and trust us. We love you and you love us. There is no hierarchy here, only equality. There is a give and take that continues to regenerate as it drains. We tire but we do not quit. We give but we also take. We take and we also give. The infinity sign comes to mind. Thankfully.

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