The Awesome Magnitude of Knowing

© 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD


August 22, 2000

When I wrote the lines at the end of your tale, "Her Tears" that I wrote for your 60th birthday, they were about the magnitude of knowing.

"Everything is inside out
The magic's in your eyes.
We live each day with wonder,
We live in awed surprise.

So we travel with you always
Looking in instead of out,
Holding hands and touching spirits
Knowing, really knowing, what life is all aboout."

It is a precious outgrowth of your recovery journey, that "knowing" is emerging for you as a "knowing, really knowing." There is an intimacy and a depth of knowing that allows us to be at one with it, and with ourselves, in such a way that it is God-like. At that moment, and perhaps, at that stage, we are at essence, one with essence, essentially one. There can be no scurrying, no searching, no doing, just stillness and being that provide the silence for knowing.

To arrive at the level of "being" that brings forth "knowing" takes great integrity, and guided by, and living with, that integrity we are capable of knowing, really knowing. Encephalitis has freed you up to go inward in a way you've never gone. To reclaim your brain you've had to listen to it, work with it, focus on its every message, and respect its every need. Nothing is more introspective, and nothing is more integrated. The messages are as thoughts, as emotions, as electrical currents, as muscle spasms, as memory lapses, as inability to sequence or focus, as inability to stay awake or to sleep at night, as racing energy and no energy. The list is endless. Every aspect of your being is affected and lets you know it, if you will listen and attend, and you do.

As a result, you have transcended to the highest level of knowing as it takes you to its depths. You are experiencing the awesome magnitude of knowing. It is and has been, an arduous and demanding struggle with relentless demands, but because you are embarking on it with the integrity of commitment, determination and courage, you are in a position to "know" and knowing, really knowing, what life is all about is to experience the Divine. The ultimate intimacy. You have every right to be proud, to be awed, to be still.

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