On the Border

© 2001 Michele Toomey, PhD


August 30, 2001

So many things are on the border. Discouragement that could tip into despair, excitement that can become frenetic energy, acceptance that might become passivity, attentiveness that can turn into obsession, fatigue that borders on feeling invalided, hope that could lead to fantasy, searching that can end up preventing the presence of the now. Everything is potentially something else in an instant.

Even herbs, so carefully designed to restore flowing energy to your injured brain, tip the balance and you cross the line into seizure territory. "Don't mess with my tentative balance" it warns us."This residence of borderline functioning is not stable. Find your place and take it, but join, don't reconfigure." We were dramatically reminded that your system has devised its own coping mechanisms. Learn them and work with them, is the message that they sent us loud and clear. Lest we think we're in charge, think again.

Living on the border must be respected. It has an air of instability and uncertainty about it that is unsettling. We want to stabilize things, by moving you away from the border. It seems to make so much sense. Wrong. It may be logically based but physiologically it's unsound. Your place of residence since herpes simplex encephalitis is on the border. The virus forced you out of your original relationship with yourself and your communication network. We are being told, shown, even exposed to the demands of border living. Make no mistake, it's real, it's demanding and it's unforgiving. Treat it respectfully or you'll pay. Learn the rules or you disturb the equilibrium and a crash occurs.

You are actually becoming very adept at border living. If you panic you catch yourself and re-group, instead of crossing the border into hysteria. If you can't remember, you search for clues, take circuitous/roundabout routes and put together an "Aha" that allows you to re-connect and re-discover. It seems we need to be more respectful of the system now in place for living on the border. Even "weird" doesn't need to slip into "weirder." It becomes its own borderline state that with the help of the musings and your own recognition of I think sometimes you're better with it than we are. So we must look to ourselves and at ourselves and ask that we get comfortable with having you on the border. We've done all the moving around we can do. Now we, too, have to take up residence next to you, on the border. Maximize it, embrace you in it, and stop being afraid that instability is jeopardy. It's only jeopardy if there's no integrity and you are committed to living there with integrity, so you are safer than we let ourselves realize. You do not choose to cross the border but you have redesigned and refurnished your border home with such integrity you actually love it. You've made yourself safe by grounding yourself in truth and immersing yourself in fairness. You are living on the border "where truth and fairness meet." Living next to you is a privilege not a worry as long as we focus on this truth.

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