Ironically, even as integrity is essential truth, there are still many levels of intimacy with it, from the passing glance to the ultimate living out of it with a core grasp and unwavering choice to be true to it.
The circularity is dramatic. Depth of being is only really available and known through intimate integrity, and intimate integrity is only available in the depth of our being. Once again, the dilemma of how to enter this circle. It must begin with integrity and through the purity of the relationship yield the integrity of depth of being.
Fear and uncertainty complicate the process and can derail it. In your case, they are very loud. Yet, you are very committed, and as a result, you are reaping a depth you've never known. We must treasure and cherish this outgrowth even as we struggle to sustain our energy and our hope. Intimacy with integrity fuels hope and gives it life. That is the answer to where is hope.